trauma

  • Ziya Through the Fire

    Ziya Through the Fire

    The smell of death lingers,
    a memory that refuses to fade,
    a guest that never leaves,
    sorrow draped over the soul’s threshold
    like a tattered shroud.

    Ziya grows up with war as his cradle—
    watches coffins, small as his own shadow,
    lowered into the earth.
    Three paths stretch before him,
    each a different kind of hunger.

    A ghost chained to old screams,
    gnawing on the bones of the past.
    A grayhound sprinting in hell’s loop,
    Every night, the same bombs fall.
    Every morning, the same blood stains his hands.
    Same hands clutching at shadows.

    Eyes fixed on a horizon
    that retreats with every step.
    He runs toward tomorrow,
    but tomorrow is a feast never served.
    He builds castles in the air,
    stacks dreams like stones,
    but the horizon always steps back.
    One day, he will turn,
    and find his pockets full of dust.

    He learns to live in the crackle of now,
    to survive today,
    not in sunlight, but in ember-glow,
    digging for joy like a miracle in the ashes,
    buried just beneath the skin.
    It is not happiness,
    it is the quiet before the siren,
    the breath between gunshots.
    A hard choice.
    A different kind of burning.

    Ziya is made of war.
    An accent, an immigrant,
    a muted tongue,
    a face that forgot how to smile.
    Grew up poor,
    a body bruised by hands and words,
    an undiagnosed mind
    wired for a world that did not speak his language.
    This infinite fire is not his doing,
    but it is his to carry.

    Still,
    his mind runs wild,
    a stallion kicking free of fences,
    galloping through fields
    of boundless imagination.
    Reality sits in the audience,
    watching the theater of his thoughts, untamed.

    Free will? Yes,
    but every road is lined with walls.
    His certainty is destined to become
    food for the flames.
    What the fire burns,
    that, at least, is his.
    He alone decides:
    light or ruin.

    Stars burn.
    Their fire is light.
    Some shine.
    Some swallow whole.
    Destruction is a recognized familiar face,
    trusted by the world.
    Light is always questioned and must always prove itself.

    How does the beauty inside
    ever bloom outward
    when even his own breath
    feels like a risk?
    when the fear of being seen
    echoes,
    in solitude,
    in crowds,
    like a whisper no one claims?

    Where is the host?
    Who stood at the door
    and said, Welcome?
    Who opened their arms
    and did not flinch
    at the scent of smoke?
    Who let him in
    without counting the burns?

  • The Stories of My Tears

    The Stories of My Tears

    Every night, as far back as I could remember,
    I shiver. I cry myself to sleep.
    It was the only way I knew how to fall asleep,
    The only feeling I knew.

    Tears are my friends. Each tear is a story,
    A real life tale with colorful characters,
    And the self I only knew through struggle, pain
    And a mind separate of the body.
    What I knew was not what I did.

    The environment was hell, and the characters lost.
    There was no writer, nor a script.
    It was always impulse, reaction to an escape
    Of a struggle within a struggle.
    There was no time to pause.
    A moment of reset could not be found.

    I do not count sheep, I peeled tears.
    I escaped so far away,
    I lost the captain seat of my body and actions.
    Born autistic, with no diagnosis.
    Literally forced yourself to speak,
    But words don’t come out right.

    Born in a family of migrants,
    Trapped in a civil war.
    Unwelcomed anywhere.
    At home, at school, outside in the neighborhood.
    The only escape is the mind.

    Every obstacle overcome was never good enough.
    Constantly chasing normal.
    And in my mind I know.
    Yes, everyone is constantly chasing normal.
    And we are all tired.

    Can I be me? Can I find me beneath the graffiti?
    Live your life. And I’ll live mine. A dream.
    Can I live my life?
    Mine will always include tears and smiles.
    But know that my voice is mute.

    I am too scared to speak my mind.
    Always beaten whenever I spoke from the heart.
    The soul is the only dialogue. Loud or mute.

    At the end of each day,
    All of the grima from the excessive stimulation,
    A volcano inside is ready to erupt.
    I take a very deep breath,
    To bring light into the volcano, and simply live.

    I escape for a fresh breath of another day.
    The only possible faith, and only choice,
    Is to believe in today, and in tomorrow.

    Living such a life, God can only be found
    In little moments. Not some place far away,
    Nor living in my house.
    I am in his house, and therefore,
    He is in my moments.

    Filed under: 🜁 Self – tracing the inner landscapes of thought, feeling, and becoming.

  • Footprints Erased

    Footprints Erased

    Memories like candles.
    They burn,
    cry hot wax tears,
    then leave a monument.
    All while shining a light,
    on what you choose
    and how you choose,
    to see.

    I can count many tales
    on my hand,
    and many wounds
    on my arms.
    I lay every night
    on a pillow
    of flame and tears.

    I drown inside my head and
    break into pieces of kintsugi
    inside my heart.

    I try to explain,
    but no one listens.
    Born mute,
    learned to speak.
    Born different,
    learned to fit in.
    Born to be me,
    and I learned to be you.
    I can explain,
    But who’s listening?

    Wrongly labeled
    and wrongly judged.
    Back of a hand on lips.
    A sword cuts through my lungs.
    Thoughts hanged.
    Innocence raped.
    Natural gifts shot.
    And all buried.
    No ceremony,
    and no farewell.
    No time to grieve,
    and no time to adapt.
    I’m ok.

    Here’s a mask,
    put it on.
    I am told.
    You are sin.
    Yes I am sin.
    Hide your soul.

    I can count many tales
    on my hand.
    I rest my head,
    on pillow of fire.
    And I drown
    in the waters of my thoughts.
    I love,
    and I hurt.

    Forgive me.
    Footprints erased.

    Filed under: 🜁 Self – tracing the inner landscapes of thought, feeling, and becoming.

  • Wrap Your Arms Around You

    Wrap Your Arms Around You

    Wrap your arms around you
    Give yourself a warm hug
    You may be grown up and old
    But inside you’re still a child

    You’ve passed the station
    Of asking no more
    And you’ve arrived to a stop
    Of not wanting what you need

    You love many
    And you are loved
    But the devil’s footsteps quietly approach
    Through the people you love

    How can one survives in this world
    Without declaring their wants and needs?
    With others falsely knowing and
    Speaking words that claim your needs?

    How can you live
    By feeling the need to ask?
    When will the uninvited devil walk in?
    When will the body rest?

    Giving is a gift, not everyone feels

    Flooding out of them
    Saving and possessing is a curse,
    That most feel occupied with

    Who is a more willing soul
    Than an earth angel
    To pay for the wrongs and hurt
    That others infected on you

    Mother, what would become of me?
    Father, where will I be?
    Brother, what do you see?
    Sister, how do you feel?

    You came whole
    They broke you
    Wrap your arms around your whole self
    Feel warmth of your complete embrace

    Deep breath

    Filed under: 🜁 Self – tracing the inner landscapes of thought, feeling, and becoming.